Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize