Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
