he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
