hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize