So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
