seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
