The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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