she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
