You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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