I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
