I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
