you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
