Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
