he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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