Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
