just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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