he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
