I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
