I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
