Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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