Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
