I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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