drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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