the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
