just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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