guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
