Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
