i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
