a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
