guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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