My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
