My cat gives me a boner
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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