I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
