my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
