Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize