i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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