just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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