idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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