Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
