Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize