i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
