We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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