Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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