first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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