I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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