I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
