I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
