i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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