Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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