so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
