the condom got lost in my hair
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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