You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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