I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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