i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
