on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
