I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize